About 2 years after my husband and I were married, I started feeling like all he wanted out of me was sex. We have now been married for 9 years. It's still the same. He has never been able to hold me, or touch me in any way without it being sexual. We've tried going to a therapist, but he says it's stupid and quits going. After we get into an argument over whether or not it's sex or to cuddle, we always have sex, but the cuddle never happens. He does okay for a couple of days, but then it's back to the "sex" issue, because he needs it again. Since I got pregnant with my daughter 5 years ago, he has not held me unless I yell and scream and threaten to leave him. I met someone 3 years ago. He has been very loving and compassionate to me. Whenever I need to be held or someone to listen to me, he is there.
My problem now is, I have myself so confused, I don't know if I should stay and keep beating his head in about what I want, or give up. I know I need to give up this other person, but he is like a drug to me and no matter how hard I try, I can't get away from him.
You need to take a step back from your immediate situation and look at the bigger picture. If you are having an affair with this other man you should put him on hold immediately while you figure out what you're going to do about your marriage.
You sound incredibly angry at your husband for his insensitivity to your needs. Seven years of being treated like this has brought you to this point. I'm sure that this colors how you view everything else in your marriage, but are there any good points to being married to this man? For example, is he a good provider? Is he a good father? I'm not saying that these are enough reasons to stay married to him, I just want you to ask yourself these questions. Perhaps there are compelling reasons to stay with him. Only you can decide that.
You say that you have tried marital counseling but he always quits it because he thinks it's pointless. Without outside intervention I doubt that he will look at the impact that his behavior is having on you, or be willing to change. If you are not currently in therapy, I would recommend that you find someone immediately to help you sort through all of this. You may choose to stay with him or you may decide that you want a separation and/or divorce. If you choose to leave then you would also benefit from a support group and your daughter may also need a therapist to help her adjust to the new situation.
As for this other man, you don't say if he is single/divorced and therefore available or if he also is married and sorting through his own problems. Even if he were available I would advise you against immediately moving in with him if your marriage ends. You would need time to grieve for the end of the marriage before moving wholeheartedly into another relationship. You would also need to assess if you do want to build a life with this new man. Right now he seems to offer you a type of connection that you've been longing for, but it's very different to really spend time with someone when the first flush of excitement is over and reality sets in.
You also have to consider your daughter in all of this. She will need time to adjust to a divorce and whatever custody arrangements are agreed upon. If you choose to remarry then becoming a stepfamily brings its own set of complications and reorganization for all of you.
It sounds like you are at a turning point. Make sure that you get the support that you need from friends or family as you decide what to do with your life.
Dr. Louise Klein
