Marital Questions and Answers

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, Three weeks ago, my husband moved out of our bedroom. He asked me last week what I wanted. I told him I'd like some affection. He said any affection he would give me would be faked. I can't understand why he doesn't move out if he doesn't care about me. Am I being foolish, thinking he still cares? Dear Am I Being Foolish, Your husband has decided to sleep on the couch and then to make matters worse, you ask him for affection and he says that any affection he would give you would be faked.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I think my husband is really a pervert. He wants threesome, anal sex, pierced bellybutton and a tattoo. I don't want any of these. Then my husband said I don't really love him. He just can't accept my decision. I started disliking sex. I don't want to have sex rest of my life. He said I am closed mind. I am Japanese and my husband is American. Maybe culture gap or something. We are not open for sex. At least when I was growing up. I want my sex is private. I can't talk to anybody about this. Please give me your honest answer. Am I too conservative? I can't compromise these things. How can I make my husband understand my decision.

Q: My wife believes that sex for me is only about my coming and that's it. It's not true. How can I show her that I really care about her? A: Try paying attention to her needs. I'm not just referring to her sexual needs. Showing your wife that you're interested in all of who she is, not just her body, will communicate a very powerful message of caring.

Q: My wife believes that sex for me is only about my coming and that's it. It's not true. How can I show her that I really care about her? A: Try paying attention to her needs. I'm not just referring to her sexual needs. Showing your wife that you're interested in all of who she is, not just her body, will communicate a very powerful message of caring.

Dear Dr. Tobin, My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for six of those years and have a two-year old. We have a wonderful working relationship and are good partners, but I have always felt that something was missing. Our relationship began not out of romance or passion, but because he was just good company. I never felt in love or matched. And I believe we've never truly been intimate with each other. I tried to end the relationship in our second and seventh years together, but he really wanted to make it work.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I have been married almost 8 years, with 3 children. I have not been the best husband. I have treated my wife badly. But I have come to realize this and she knows this. I have been doing better and she also agrees, but we no longer have sexual relations. Now we do have 3 children which has a lot to do with it and because of our work schedules it is hard. Sometimes she seems to want but when the kids are asleep then it changes.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I have always thought that marrying your best friend is the most perfect situation. You can talk about anything and probably already have before the marriage. BUT, it ends up that my best friend, my husband of two years, just doesn't want to talk anymore. I have had some pretty serious issues I've wanted to talk about lately i.e.; not being particularly attracted physically or mentally to him lately, having a baby, big time things huh? He just starts fidgeting, cleaning, whatever he can do so he won't have to listen.

Dear WholeFamily, What if the person you are interested in was your first love? My best friend is going through this, and she hasn't had the greatest marriage. Now that she is interested in her first love, hubby is all attentive and sweeping her off her feet! I advised her to continue to talk and be honest with her husband: to talk it to death basically. She seems to be getting worse "in love" with her first love, as she puts it. She has two kids in their teens who drive her crazy to add. One of her worst fears is insecurity and expenses. Let me know so I can help her better than I have been. Dear Friend, When a marriage has become routine and the teenagers are driving you crazy, it's very seductive when an old love reappears and gives you a taste of something fun and exciting.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I have been married 16 years. I was so in love with my husband but he hadn't been very affectionate for a long time and really didn't treat me very well. He was never physically abusive but was always cutting me down emotionally, although he still said he loved me. Things kept getting worse, eventually I fell out of love with him. Then he had a fling with a woman he knew I could not tolerate. But he insists it wasn't a full-blown affair. And he even says he feels that deep down inside, he thinks he did it to hurt me. I'm not sure why. I left the bedroom in January and we hadn't had any sexual relations since then. I did not love him and had no desire to be "with" him anymore.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I've been married five years. My husband and I have three kids together and one from a previous relationship. From the beginning I have had trouble expressing my feelings toward my husband. I've always loved him but he says I 'm not loving and compassionate enough. The beginning of 1999 he had to work out of the country for six months When he returned he accused me of cheating, because I went out with friends more than usual.

Dear Dr. Tobin, My wife and I have been married 21 years and have 3 daughters. Since I have known her, she has suffered from insecurity and a poor self-image, resulting from bad experiences during her teen years. She was a bit heavy, had severe acne, and had few friends. During her college years, she had high anxiety about grades, and spent all her time studying. I, on the other hand, have a high degree of self-confidence, and tend to take things more in stride.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I am a 32-year female. I have been married to my husband now for five years. But I have lived with him over 10 years. And he knows all my problems and fears. See, when I was about five or six, one of my uncles and one of my mom's cousins did some ugly sexual things to me. And it caused a lot of problems for me. And the cousin did the things to me while I was sleeping. And this went on for a long time. So my husband knows this.

Dear WholeFamily, About 2 years after my husband and I were married, I started feeling like all he wanted out of me was sex. We have now been married for 9 years. It's still the same. He has never been able to hold me, or touch me in any way without it being sexual. We've tried going to a therapist, but he says it's stupid and quits going. After we get into an argument over whether or not it's sex or to cuddle, we always have sex, but the cuddle never happens.

Dear WholeFamily, I am 26 years old and have been married for about 10 months now. My husband and I lived together for 6 months before we were married, but before we moved in together we were about 1500 miles apart for the first year of our relationship. At that time, we saw each other once every 2 months or so. We were very much in love and had really great sex during that time. Once he moved in, we continued to have great sex fairly often for awhile.

Dear WholeFamily, My wife and I have been married for 30 years, I am 51 and she is 50. We still love each other very much, but the romance in our marriage is almost completely gone. We have not had sex now in over eight weeks and that pattern has existed now for almost two years. She has told me point blank that she is not interested in sex anymore. This change in her began again almost two years ago when her boss at work passed away and when she had her hysterectomy. I still am very interested in her sexually and love her very much. Is there anything I can do to change her outlook? Dear Frustrated, It's difficult to argue with your wife's biology.

Dear WholeFamily, I need some help! Nothing seems to make me happy anymore - the more I surroud myself with happy things, nothing seems to work. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have an 8- year-old and a 5-ear-old. I feel content most of the time, but lately my husband "seems to bring me down." I come from parents who divorced after 27 years and I don't like what divorce does to children, so I want to make this work.

I'm married with three young children. We are both working. By the time we take care of our clients and children, we have little energy for one anoth...

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, Since I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an abusive, alcoholic father, I realize this is part of the reason I continue to make poor choices for myself when it comes to husbands. I have been married to my third husband for six years (first husband --10 years and second husband --10 years). This is his fourth marriage. I'm ready to call it quits. My husband is an absolutely wonderful, charming, generous, fun-loving, popular, well-respected, community-minded man to the outside world.

Dear Dr. Tobin, I have to make a decision about a young man that I have been dating for six months. I live in Indianapolis and he lives in the State of Washington. We are both Christians and have an open communication line that the majority of married people would envy. The problem is that upon his return visit back to Washington, after the Thanksgiving Holiday, I found myself questioning our relationship due to two apprehensions.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I will try to be as to the point and brief as possible. Three years ago my husband had an affair and a baby was conceived. The other woman is madly in love with him -- still to this day. He pays child support and has also been to visit his other child. I went to counseling two and a half years ago but he will not. My husband feels he does not want to talk to strangers about this. He also drinks too often and drives. I have asked him endless times to please stop before he hurts someone.

Dear WholeFamily, I have one question that I hope you can answer for me - How do I tell my super-sensitive husband that he is not giving me what I need sexually without hurting his feelings? Dear Wife of Super Sensitive Husband, You are not satisfied with what your husband is giving you sexually. You know what you need and don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. If your husband is "super sensitive" he will most probably be sensitive to your needs and willing to satisfy them if he were to know how. If you tell him what he is not giving you, his feelings may be hurt. But if you tell him what you do need, he will appreciate the trust you have in his ability to understand your needs and satisfy them.