Marital Questions and Answers

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I have been married for nine years and we have a seven-year-old child. I always thought of our marriage as almost ideal. My husband is a loving, generous, kind-hearted, wonderful person, who is also a great dad. About three months ago, I had a phone conversation with an ex-boyfriend of mine, whom I dated seriously for about a year, eleven years ago. We had not spoken for eleven years, and it was strictly business that lead me to try to contact him.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I feel silly sending e-mails with a problem, who knows who's getting it. Still with no one I can really talk to, I suppose I'll try your good self. I am 28 and my wife is 27 years old. We have been married for 2 and a 1/2 years and have a wonderful baby girl of 18 months. Before I was married I'd had no real time on my own, I always needed to be loved and have someone there by me.

Dear WholeFamily, I have recently been told by wife of just under two years that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I should have seen it coming. I never thought it was ever going to come. She told me she wanted out and wanted to end the marriage. Right before Christmas I sensed our marriage going down in flames. I was right. She would go out and not come home until the morning while I was watching our son (my stepson).

Looking for Signs of an Affair Dear WholeFamily Counselor, My husband has had an affair and has left me three times. This last time he came home he said he would do anything. Even counseling. We have made an appointment to go. But what can I do in the meantime? I find myself looking for any signs to see if the affair is still going on. I want our marriage to work. I was in a bad car accident and have not been able to work for the past six months. I feel that his cheating is my fault.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor , I have been married for five years now and together thirteen years. Things have been close to perfect for us. We very seldom ever fight or argue. We want the same things out of our marriage and life that was until this computer and the chat rooms came into our lives. My husband is obsessed with the chat rooms and he has found a woman on there that he talks to all the time and it is causing many problems in our marriage. She is telling him she wants to be with him and that she loves him and I'm not real sure he's not telling her the same thing.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, My husband and I have been married 20 years and have four sons (20, 18, 16 and 9). We have always gotten along well, had a good sex life, enjoyed each other's company, spent time alone together, enjoyed family activities, community service, etc. The only conflict we've ever had was financial; we have always struggled paycheck to paycheck, lost a house through foreclosure 10 years ago and filed bankruptcy. Aside from financial pressures, I have always believed I had the ideal marriage and thought we were more in love with each year. The last two months, my husband became very distant, quieter than usual (quiet is his norm), absorbed in the computer and avoided sex.

Owing Husband and Children a Stable Life Dear WholeFamily Counselor, My husband and I have been married for 17 years. He is 56 and I am 39. We have two sons ages 13 and 16. I had a traumatic childhood filled with parental fighting and alcohol abuse by my father. I vowed that the man I married would not drink or smoke and would be a good father. Well, he doesn't drink, or smoke, has never laid a hand on me and is a great dad. The problem is I don't love him and I never have.

Dear WholeFamily, My husband had an affair in 8/98 with someone I knew. He got her pregnant and I knew nothing about it for almost 2 years. The baby is 10 months old. I lost my mind. I ended up in the hospital for a week. Right now I am lost. Dear Lost, It's bad enough that your husband cheated on you, but also to discover two years later that he has a ten-month-old baby from this affair is a terribly painful shock.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, My husband is infatuated with a woman he works with and has been involved with her for four months. I have known about the affair for 2 months. I want to save my marriage and family (three children) but he does not want to listen to reason and now feels that he can't be with me because he does not want to cheat on his mistress. He does not want to listen to any objective opinion nor to any family, he just wants to live his fantasy. He had very few romantic experiences before we married and other women say that he just needs to get it out of his system.

I agree that having an affair is a sign of problems in a marriage, but what if you've told your partner that you're tempted to have an affair and your partner acts as if that is ridiculous and seems to push you to spend time with the person that you are considering having the affair with...all the time saying that marriage is built on trust and showing no signs of concern about my feelings for this other person? I have been very honest with my husband about my feelings and the conversations that I've had with the other person. My partner has a very uncaring attitude and refuses marriage counseling.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, My husband and I have been married for five years and have two young children. My husband is a good provider and wonderful father and claims to be faithful. My problem is his friendship with an ex-employee of his, and current coworker of mine. I believe their relationship is completely wrong. First of all, the girl is only 21 years old (my husband is 31), she is very immature and obviously doesn't know enough about the consequences of her actions. She and my husband used to talk on the phone constantly, at all hours of the night. He would call her on his cell phone or from work or when I was at work. He would always lie about it.

Taking Me for a Ride Dear WholeFamily, I will try to keep this short and as sweet as possible. I am a 22-year- old female paying off a house with my 23- year- old boyfriend. We together have a two-year-old daughter. We've been together for three years. I fell pregnant after only 3 months of knowing him and while we've hit rock bottom nearly every month we still find it hard to be apart from each other. He has a problem with cheating.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I have been married for 22 years and have two children, a son who is 17 and a daughter who is 19 years old. My husband and I are in the process of separating. He has been gone for five days now. He is coming over in the next few days to talk to the kids and explain why we are splitting up.

Dear WholeFamily, Please give me some advice. I really need it. My girlfriend of two and a half years broke up with me three months ago. We got back together two weeks later. A month later she confessed that she had two one-night stands while we were broken up, that they were stupid, that she was scared and she is sorry. I was hurt but we worked through it and are now engaged. (Both of us really want this and want to be together forever.) Here is my question -- She has forgiven my mistakes. How do I forget what happened while we were broken up? At times it feels like I am obsessing about it. I do not want it to keep bothering me and to ruin the relationship.

Where Do We Go From Here? Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I've been married for almost six years and I found out a couple of days ago that my husband has been seeing his ex-girlfriend all these years. When confronted he says they're just friends and they've never had sex. Knowing that he's been going behind my back to spend time with her makes me believe that he's in love with her. Now that all trust is gone, where do we go from here? Dear "Where Do We Go From Here," I understand that you are very shocked and upset to find out that your husband has been seeing his ex-girlfriend.