Relationships

A clique, as we all know, is a group of tightly woven friends who pride themselves on simply being together at the exclusion of everyone else. The only thing more uncomfortable than approaching a clique (usually a group of giggly or snobby girls and self-intoxicated guys) is being shot out of a cannon directly at a brick wall. Had I only been shot at brick walls as a teenager, I might be a little happier today. I've noticed that friendships in general are a lot easier to form and maintain for guys than they are for girls.

If you're worried about a teenaged son or daughter who doesn't seem to fit in...take heart - and read on:When I was already a mom with kids of my own, I re-met Anne, a girl who had been in my fifth grade class and every class after that, but who had been so quiet that I barely knew she existed. She came over for dinner one night with her kids. My husband asked her how she had liked the kids at the schools we had gone to together. Her answer was simple - - but to me it was stunning. "I didn't have anything in common with them," she said. Here we were, two girls in the same school who both felt out of it. But I had blamed myself. I thought must not look right, act right, BE right because I wasn't popular.

There was one boy named Elliot who was in my classes. He was a smart kid. I would call him almost every night to help me with my homework. We went through algebra, trigonometry, and calculus together. We laughed a lot on the phone, making fun of our teachers. We talked about the books Siddhartha and Steppenwolf. We talked about our parents. But I never ever considered him a potential boyfriend. Even though he was fun on the phone, Elliot was basically a nerd. He was short, he wore white socks, had braces, played the oboe-and got good grades. I also got good grades. But for some strange reason, I tried to keep that a secret from my friends.

Some time just past childhood and before adulthood, our peers become our central focus: who likes us, who we like, who we dress the same as, who we wouldn't be caught dead with. It's like the whole world suddenly revolves around our friends. But what really makes a peer a friend? How can you tell if you are in it for the perks, or if you also love the quirks? Is it the person or her closet full of clothes and popular friends? The person or his awesome CD collection? Are you just thrown together by circumstance, or is this a bud worth seeing also outside of chemistry class? Does it matter? Of course it does. Here's why: True friendship, the kind where beyond having interests in common, you also like who is inside, is the only kind that lasts.

There she is. All smiles and charm and wide gestures and tilted head. Sparkling eyes, loud-ish giggle. Great clothes, great style, great posture, probably great looking. Of course, you can barely see her because she is surrounded by what looks like a bunch of Secret Service agents, but you know she's there. Everyone does. She is the popular girl. And while you may make fun of her, you and your best friend, when you are sure no one can hear you - how shallow or petty or fake she is, I'll bet that for at least five minutes every day, you wish you were her. Or at least, her best friend. Someone who slept at her house sometimes, tried on her clothes.

Yeah, I know I've got this earring (and tattoo, by the way) and some people think it's cool and some think it's weird. There are mornings when I face the mirror and I think that I look pretty cool and sometimes I look and think, "Oh man, what have I done?" My parents had a major freak-out attack over both and I got an infection (really, no big deal) from the earring. So all in all, I figure that I'm pretty qualified to talk about the subject of body art (piercing and tattooing). But the main thing is not to talk, but to ask.

Hey, you know everybody wants to be cool. We wanna look cool, have cool friends and do cool things, but did you ever wonder where the term "cool" came from? What does "cool" really mean? Anyway, when I asked my history teacher if I could do my term paper on "The History of Cool", she kind of stared at me, rolled her eyes and walked away. So rather than waste this very cool theory of mine, I figure I'd share it with you. The history of cool is like the history of the bagel--everyone wants to claim they invented it. So I figure my theory is as good as any. As I see it, somewhere around the Paleolithic Era (that's Stone Age for you illiterates), the idea behind the word "cool" came into being.

Hi. I'm 15 and I've never had a date or even asked anyone out. There is this one girl named Sara (not her real name) that I like a lot but I don't know how to ask her out because I've had no experience with asking someone out on a date. I've kept running everything through my head to think of what I could do and I always get a good idea but whenever I even see her, my mind goes blank. I know it's not because of fear of rejection or something like that. I would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING for her, when I even look at her I get all weak in the knees and other things happen also. My friend who had the same thing happen to him, says that this is true love. I would trust my life with him and he says I should ask Sara out and I want to but, I've never had any experience with this and I don't want to scare her away. So my question is how do I get her to go out with me?

Q I really like this girl but I am too chicken to ask her out because she is "cool". What should I do?

Advice From Sara BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS How Do I Get Myself to Love My Body? Q: I'm 20 years old (in a month) and I've been in recovery from anorexia for about 9 months now. I eat pretty normally now, except for a few quirks I have.

Q I have a problem with my boyfriend. I care about him a lot, and we've been going together for 4 months. He's a senior, I'm a junior. We have our good times, but lately all we've been doing is fighting. And mostly it's about stupid things. He'll get mad at himself for not doing something right and he'll start screaming madly about how stupid he is, and how he can't do anything right. I tell him to stop talking like that and that it's not true, it was just a mistake, and we all make mistakes.

My "first love" was Jeff, a decent 17-year-old with a few problems. (Don't we all have them?) I put "first love" in quotes because at the time, I didn't think of myself as being in love with Jeff. What I felt about him didn't match what I saw in the movies or read in books. I felt intensely about him - I liked him tremendously, I wanted to be with him all the time. I enjoyed myself incredibly when we were together. I wanted to know him better. I was attracted to him. I was interested in everything he had to say. I cared about him. (I still care about him all these years later.) But I wasn't in that altered state of consciousness that I thought of - and later experienced - as being in love.

I was 15 the first time I saw Jeff. I had had crushes on boys before, but this was different. With the guys before him, it had been secret and one-way. I liked them from afar. I never let anything on. I would have been mortified if they had known. But with Jeff it felt different than any of those crushes. It felt more real. I didn't think of it as a crush. One night when a bunch of us were out together, I saw Jeff pull out a chair for the girl sitting next to him. I was impressed with that. And there were other little things about him that spelled QUALITY. Also, we had "chemistry." I liked the way he stood with his thumbs hooked into his back pockets.

Invisible. That's what I was when I was with Nikki, my best friend. Ten years later and it's still with me. She had some light inside her body, or something, that drew the guys to her like insects (which isn't such a bad comparison, right?) The weird thing is, she was no prettier than I was. We were both smart, both capable, and neither of us were "easy" - - but there she was, center stage, while I hung back, kind of like her little sister, tagging along.

I recently asked an 18-year-old guy if he believed in platonic relationships between guys and girls. His answer was interesting: "Only if there's a barrier," he said, "like if she's dating your friend or if she's your cousin. But generally - I'd say no." After years of field research on the subject (hey, someone has to do it) I have found this to be true. "We're only friends" is a cop-out: it means you don't know each other that well, that one of you feels something the other doesn't, or that you are lying to yourselves. Strike this comment if one of you is gay or attached, or if you are related. It is my feeling that when you have a close friend of the opposite sex, with whom you share everything and where no mitigating factors exist, at least one of you will be harboring deeper feelings for the other.

We have all been there: Madly crushing on someone, and trying to piece together clues like some two-bit detective. Did he mean I looked good, as in, better than yesterday when I looked stupid? Or did he mean I looked good, as in, he'd love to have a bite? Does she think I'm cool, as in, yeah, let's hang out? Or does she mean cool, like, cool enough for her? Well, how do we find out? None of us ever wants to ask for a clarification, unless we are sure what the answer will be. And there comes a point when having your best friend scout for you is pathetic.

Steven McDonald. I loved him. He was tall and muscular, with curly blonde hair. When he smiled, he blushed, and his cheeks turned pink. He was on the basketball team, the baseball team and the football team. Somehow I knew that his father worked as a prison guard. I'd heard rumors that he had a brother in prison for murder-something to do with drugs. Steven McDonald. I imagined kissing his fingertips, putting his hand to the side of my face, feeling the warmth of his palm on my cheek. I wanted to kiss the pain from his face, the suffering of having a brother who was a murderer.

So now I'm Jen's Back Up Plan. The Next Best Thing if Roger is otherwise occupied. It used to be me and Jen . Just us - every lunch-break, every night on the phone, every Saturday night at the mall. But now she's with Roger, and I have to ask her when she's free to talk or go out instead of it just being assumed that we would be hanging out together. Last Saturday night, Jen asked me to come with her and Roger to the movies. I really didn't want to go - I knew I'd be left out. Jen sat between Roger and I, and they whispered and held hands throughout the whole movie. She only remembered to talk to me during intermission.. They asked me to come with them afterwards for pancakes and shakes - as if I would! As if they really wanted me to.

OK, so some jerk was walking off with your fantasy girl. Now, you took a good look at yourself and a good look at him and you think, "What could she possibly see in him?" So you figure she fell off the deep end and who needs a babe with bad taste. But then your friends start complaining about the same thing happening to them--I mean, these are cool dudes and the girls are dropping them left and right. So you figure that either the school has been invaded by aliens or some kind of toxic chemical has reached the water fountain supply.

Advice From Sara BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS How Do I Get Myself to Love My Body? Q: I'm 20 years old (in a month) and I've been in recovery from anorexia for about 9 months now. I eat pretty normally now, except for a few quirks I have. But that body image thing won't give. I know that I am not naturally stick thin, and it makes me crazy that I just look "average". I don't think I'm fat, but I don't think I'm thin, either. I feel funny when people look at me because I'm nervous they are going to notice that I gained weight and that I "couldn't keep it up".

Our 16-year-old son is at boarding school and comes home on weekends. When he does, he and his 10-year-old brother fight like cats and dogs. The dinner table, which used to be a nice place with easy give-and-take, has turned into one long argument. I know this is because the little one wants the attention he's used to and the big one wants to talk to us because he's not home most of the time. How can we satisfy both their needs and end this constant fighting?

Dear WholeMom, I have two daughters, aged 17 and 16. Lately they appear not to like each other. The 17-year-old doesn't like her sister's friends and lets it be known and not very nicely. The 16-year-old takes it very personally and fires back in a nasty tone. This is getting worse and now they don't seem to like anything about each other. The younger says she needs to move away for a time to get away from her sister because she "can't take it anymore." I think they should work things out but have run out of ideas. Neither has a nice word to say to the other and life here has gotten miserable for everyone. Moving out is not an option as there is no place to go.

Today was possibly the worst day of my life. Things were going pretty well in school, but my day was quickly ruined as soon as I got home. The second I stepped foot in the house, my mom asked me to drive Joey to baseball practice. Ever since I started driving, my parents constantly use me as a car service. Parents and Teens: The Age-Old Battle Explored I must confess. I, too, was once a teenager. So was my older sister. I owe a lot to her. I would sit on the stairs and watch her and my parents go at it.

My friend Jonathan can watch as much TV as he wants. But I get an hour a night. I can't even watch a movie. And meanwhile they stay up and watch a movie after I'm in my room. Is that fair? No -- it's not. Therapist's Comments on Obsessive Love Reading this monologue, my heart really goes out to Chelsea. Fourteen can be a tough age. We know that the teenage years are full of strong emotions, and Chelsea is not unusual in being totally consumed by these feelings of love for a guy she has never even talked to.

Q: My dad and I get into so many stupid little fights its not funny. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a punching bag for him to take out his anger on. My mom and I get along great but sometimes it gets a little ugly, but we work it out. With my dad, I can hold a grudge forever. My mom tells me that his parents were really strict and hard on him, but I don't think he should take it out on me.

When my son was five, he looked me squarely in the eye and proclaimed me to be the meanest mommy in the whole wide world. Ever. I must admit, it was a bit of a shocker. I mean, I'm young. I remember being five. I try to be understanding, try to put myself in his shoes. But, dammit, he can not pretend to be Zorro and run down the street wielding a sharp metal pole he found in the clearing. Even if that makes me the Wicked Witch of the West. The next thought I had was terrifying.

My friend Elaine is 36 years old but she has not yet learned to sit. She can stand, occasionally, but generally, she's in motion. She is chasing her two-year-old, wiping chocolate off her four-year-old daughter's lovely face, or teaching her seven-year-old to ride a bike or her nine-year-old to jump rope. She is outside with them all afternoon, or inside, baking or doing projects. When the kids go to sleep, Elaine cleans or paints something. Thursday nights, she cooks two full meals (feasts, really) for her frequent weekend guests.

Pressure. It's a combination of events and factors, a sort of vicious cycle. All the adults are running around trying to create the lives they've always dreamed of. As we progress, we tend to become more materialistic, selfish and greedy, and we forget the joy of simple living. We all want something for nothing, so we look for better ways, faster ways, whatever, to go higher, earn more, buy more. We don't realize that meanwhile we're actually tiring ourselves out mentally and physically.

Teenagers sometimes feel as if they are caught in a No Man's Land between childhood and adulthood. Wanting to have arrived as adults but not yet having the requisite life experience to temper their views of the world and the way it should be. No longer children, but not quite mature enough to be considered adults. Wanting responsibility but perhaps not yet ready to embrace all its consequences. Desperate to test and challenge the borders of their world but not wanting to abandon the place they call home - a physical and emotional refuge to return to.

I must confess. I, too, was once a teenager. So was my older sister. I owe a lot to her. I would sit on the stairs and watch her and my parents go at it. They would scream about her boyfriends, her grades and the late hours she would come home. But what really made them foam at the mouth was when they would invariably find a new pack of Marlboros hidden in some forbidden corner of her room. My father would accuse her of throwing her life away and she would snarl and snort and scream that living in their house was like having two prison guards for parents.

Dr. Michael Tobin's prescriptions for a healthy parent-teen relationship prompted many reactions from our readers. Though some consider the article "a pretty good description of kids and parents today", other claim that "it just won't work" in their circumstance. Here is a sampling of the responses we received.

I'm 15, and I'm scared of my Dad. He used to hit me hard when I was in elementary school whenever he got angry, or sometimes he threw me against walls. He stopped doing that in 7th grade because he realized I was old enough to report the "violence". Even though he's not hitting me anymore, I'm still scared of him. Now, whenever he gets mad at me, he just makes hitting gestures, like lifting his fist or belt, and screaming and then cornering me. I know he won't really hit me, but it's already frightening enough to know that he always has a temptation to do it, and he's only holding himself back. God forbid if one day he can't hold himself back I don't know what's gonna happen to me. He told me that in those exact words, "If I ever fail to hold back my temptation, I swear you will end up in the hospital!" I've tried talking to him heart-to-heart, but he always ends-up saying that he can't help it, its just the way he naturally is. He knows how I feel already, but it's like a habit for him, or something. How can I adjust? - Scared of My Dad

Nicole is 13. Her older sister Jenny is 15. They're getting ready for school. Nicole: What did you do to your hair? It looks weird. Jennie: Why don't you just shut up? Nicole: Did you cut it? You cut it yourself? Mom is going to kill you. Mom, Mom! Jennie: Just shut up. Leave her out of it.

QHow do you communicate with teenagers who keep seeing each other in a bad light? Two of my children, aged 17 and 19, attack each other verbally every day. There is lots of blame and negativity and it rips me apart. I try to teach them to give the benefit of doubt, but they consistently assume each other's intentions are bad. How can I effectively help my teenage siblings to get along with each other? Guest Expert, Jackie Goldman, M.S., answers: My feeling is that you cannot play the role of judge and jury.

A teenager is old enough to want to make her own decisions. A parent knows that a teenager is old enough to really screw up her life. We received a letter from a 15-year-old girl describing a familiar situation: Julie wants to buy a car with money given to her by her grandparents. Her parents have forbidden her, claiming that it's too dangerous. Using the old parental formula, "as long as you live under our roof," they are asserting their power, while Julie characteristically believes herself a responsible adult, and her parents overprotective.

Dean, age 17, is having trouble with his family. He feels that they are stifling his freedom, and he wishes they would leave him alone. Tanya (Mom): Dean, your grandmother asked you to pass the pasta salad. Dean looks down at his plate. Tanya: What are you, deaf? Pass the pasta salad. Dean passes the pasta salad. Grandmother: How was school today? Dean: Okay. Tanya: Did you have any interesting classes? Dean: Not really.

Sibling rivalry is a painful fact in all families that have more than one kid. Growing up with a younger brother or sister can often be a royal pain. Jenny is definitely within her rights to demand her necklace back from her sister. While it is impossible to avoid all fighting, agreeing on some ground rules regarding respecting property and space can go a long way to reducing the number and the intensity of fights.

Brett and his Dad, Roger, have not been getting along. This is the latest in a recent series of arguments. Roger: Turn off that damn music! Knocks on the door. Roger: Don't you hear me? The music gets turned down. Roger goes downstairs. The music gets louder again. Roger goes upstairs again. Roger: Turn off that music. I'm going to break this door down. I swear. Turn off the music. He starts kicking the door.

By Eve, age 15 Okay, so first there's the obvious stuff. Someone who can identify, be patient, and is good at disciplining in a nice way - firm and gentle. Like in A Family Apart, where the guy who adopts Frances Mary tells her to "keep your hands firm and your voice gentle." (He was teaching her how to work with horses.) Identify: There are times when a kid wants their parent to identify with them - to just laugh and admit they made the same dumb mistakes. Because when you tell parents something you felt bad about, they're invariably going to launch into this great speech about why it's not so bad, why you shouldn't feel that way, what you should have done instead -- and it's like sometimes you don't want that.

I am 15, and my parents are not the greatest couple; they pretty much hate each other. My mom wanted to divorce my dad but she is too nice and didn't want to throw him out 'cause he wouldn't have anywhere else to go. My mom is really hard-working and brings almost all the money in this house. My dad is an architect (so is my mom) but he is the most stubborn person I know. He is not open-minded, and all he cares about is himself. He and my mom had bad fights, and I have always cut into the fights and then it has gotten physical between my dad and me. I know that my mom is lonely and she has told me herself that my brother and I are her only friends (my brother has moved to another city, he goes to a university there). I am very close to my mom and we do lots of things together, but I still want to do things with my friends. On the other hand though, I don't want to leave my mom alone at home, 'cause she and my dad might get into a fight. Just the idea of her being miserable and alone at home, while I'm having fun with my friends is really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do, every time I'm with my friends I think of my mom and if she is all right, and now I hardly do stuff with my friends and I don't know what to do. It is really confusing, because my mom is only happy when I am with her and I can't let her go because of myself!

I have a very controlling mother, and she is driving me up the wall. I have entered a counseling group, but that's only added to my stress, because the people in the group have become like family to me; and now I have to worry about them. Their parents abuse them, and all of them have tried suicide at lease once, and three of them are now in a nut house. Also most of them are on drugs; every day I have to worry if one of my friends has killed themselves. What should I do? Thanks, The Worrier

As parents, my husband and I used to spend a great deal of our time hobbling around with at least one foot in our mouths. My reaction to teen problems is often of the knee-jerk variety, and my common sense goes out the window when confronted with teenage angst. My husband goes stonily silent, and gives all comers "the look." So, what is the solution, besides constant treatment for hoof-in-mouth disease? Write it! When my eldest child turned 13, and turned on the puberty fire full blast, I gave her a small, fat, lined notebook.

Jen, 14 1/2, hears her parents fighting again about her father's affairs. She can't understand why her mother lets herself be bought off by his presents. She can't understand why her mother doesn't just throw him out once and for all. Well, they're at it again. I wonder how it will end this time. Maybe if I turn up the sound real loud I'll drown them out. I think the part I hate most is the cursing.

Have you seen Dad's Cheating on Mom Again: A Monologue yet? By Ruby Wolbromsky, Ph.D. What do you think Jen is going through? You can almost hear her wondering: * "What kind of husband is my father?" * "Is my mother a total jerk or what?" * "Are my parents going to split?" * "If they do, what happens to me?" * " What are my friends going to think?" * "Are all boys unfaithful like my Dad?" * "If Dad is seeing other women, how come he and Mom are huggy and mushy?" * "Why does Dad continue to cheat on Mom? * "What does that say about their relationship?" * "What, if anything, should I do about this?" And in addition to having all these complex thoughts and questions, Jen is also feeling sad about the whole situation and is very angry at both her parents.

Ed and Caroline are in the process of getting divorced. Tanya, their 13-year- old daughter, is discussing her feelings about Ed's new girlfriend, Laurie. Ed met Laurie when the car she was driving skidded and crashed into Ed and Caroline's front hedge. Laurie is a divorced mother of a three-year-old and a five-year-old.

It's true. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Probably half the kids in your class have only a mom at home. But knowing that didn't make it any easier when your dad walked out. It's not fair. Your Mom and Dad couldn't get their act together and you have to suffer. Maybe you even think that you could have done something to stop it, or, when you're really feeling down, you might even think that it had something to do with you. It didn't. First, I'll set you straight about that one and then give you some advice on how to get through this tough time.

Brandon, 6 1/2, comes home one evening to discover his Daddy is leaving home. He can't understand why his parents can't solve their problems without his Daddy moving out, and he's wondering if he is to blame. I don't understand. Why did Daddy move out last night? I came home from school and he was taking out a suitcase. It looked like he was crying! Anyhow, he kind of messed my hair and said he'd see me on the weekend.

More than half of the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. So there's a good chance that either you or a friend of yours has parents who are splitting up - or who already have. Divorce hurts. I don't need to tell you that. You might feel a lot of pain and be very sad. You also might feel like you're going through this all alone.Well, you're not alone.

Lindsay and Gillian are best friends, both 15. They're walking to school.

Lindsay: I can't tell you.

Gillian: What?

Lindsay: I'm in shock. I'm out of my mind. I'm going to kill somebody.

Gillian: What are you talking about?

Lindsay: I saw her.

I want to live with my dad and his new family in the new house he bought them. I feel left out of his life, but also responsible for my mother, because my dad is always doing things to hurt her. I will have no place to live if I don't stand by her. The problem is, I don't like her or love her; I just pity her. I want him to stop hurting her, so I can go and live with him and have fun and a good time, not always hearing all the problems she has with where to live and all the bills she has to pay. What can I do? - Responsible for Mom

This is really odd to me to discuss my problems online, but I am losing myself very fast. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3-year-old son. We started out young, especially me. I am 19 now, he's 23. Before I got pregnant everything was fine, and we never fought. Now that's all we do. We try hard not to, but theirs no trust between us. I have been trying hard to fix things between us, and I am out of ideas. Where do I start? I love him with all my heart and I don't want to loose him. Help! - Needideas

Summer of 1971. I was 17, a couple of weeks out of 10th grade, enjoying my first cigarette and looking forward to a lazy vacation. I had never faced a serious problem, never taken an important decision, and never led to believe that I was anything but a typical teen-ager. I loved the Beatles, the Doors and Velvet Underground. Flower Power was groovy and the future ... well, I didn't think about the future. Meeting Prince Charming Then I met him. Nothing dramatic. A friend of my older sister's.

I've gotten lots of letters concerning teen marriages. Am I too young? What's the success rate? What are the issues we need to look at and discuss? It's my hope that in reading this, some of your questions will be answered. It's also my hope that you'll be left with even more to think about, perhaps aspects you hadn't thought of before.

Brandon, 6 1/2, comes home one evening to discover his Daddy is leaving home. He can't understand why his parents can't solve their problems without his Daddy moving out, and he's wondering if he is to blame. I don't understand. Why did Daddy move out last night? I came home from school and he was taking out a suitcase. It looked like he was crying! Anyhow, he kind of messed my hair and said he'd see me on the weekend. Lyn kept pulling on Daddy's pants and wouldn't let him leave, but Mommy finally stopped her from running down the steps after him. They were both crying - Mommy and her, and I felt like crying too. Why does he have to move out? They said they weren't getting along anymore and needed a "separation".

More than half of the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. So there's a good chance that either you or a friend of yours has parents who are splitting up - or who already have. Your Stories (Children of Divorce) Divorce hurts. I don't need to tell you that. You might feel a lot of pain and be very sad. You also might feel like you're going through this all alone.Well, you're not alone. Just look at what Brandon's going through. You're probably older than him, but some of the things he says are true for older kids too. The stuff I'm going to say needs to be discussed with your parents.