Grandparenting

Rochelle Furstenberg, Co-ordinator of the Senior Center, wrote tips for grandparents taking grandchildren on vacation. She then took three granddaughters, Rinat, Efrat and Linda to Europe, and at the end of their touring Paris, Florence and Venice, she asked them to write the tips they would give to grandparents. Here they are:

1. Grandparents must realize that their areas of interest might be different than those of their grandchildren.

2. Children are not particularly interested in museums! It's true that museums are air-conditioned, but kids still prefer shopping and movies to Boticelli and Da Vinci.

In the drama, "Disciplining Grandchildren," Violet criticizes her daughter Arlene because of the way Bobby behaved during the party. Arlene defends herself and criticizes Violet. Arlene feels hurt and angry. They distance from one another.

In the idyllic days when many grandparents still lived on farms, children would go down to spend part of the summer with them. They would learn how to milk cows and feed chickens, and inevitably experience an adventure, which would teach them a moral for life. At least, that was the formula for many children's books in an earlier part of the century.
One can only wonder whether these kids weren't ever bored. Didn't they ever act out, get fresh, gripe about the food or fight with their siblings? Today, grandchildren might not spend their vacations on the farm.

A genius has been described as a stupid kid with adoring grandparents, and the truth is we do love our grandchildren to the extent that we think they are gorgeous, cute, brilliant and unique.

We are allowed to have photo albums called "Grandma's Brag Book" and friends indulge us when we whip out our grandchildren's photos, treasuring and relating every pearl of wisdom that drops from their lips.

With our own children, mixed with the love was a heavy sense of responsibility, guilt for their peccadiloes and a high level of aggravation from "the terrible two's" through their adolescent years.  When they completed each rite of passage - bar or bat-mitzvah, graduated school, finished the army, got a degree and stood under the chupa (wedding canopy) - as well as love and pride, we were feeling an enormous sense of relief that the difficult job of child-rearing had reached a successful conclusion.

But grandchildren are pure, unadulterated love. I am lucky enough to have 18 of them, all in Israel, ranging from age eight years old to 27, plus five great-grandchildren with another two on the way…

Yes, I talk about my grandchildren and great-grandchildren too -- all the time. I have my fund of stories that I repeat "ad nauseum," and of course each grandchild is adorable and special. One edited his school paper and is a computer whiz; his brother draws fantastic cartoons. One little girl is a Marilyn Monroe look-alike; her brother is a real Torah scholar with the sweetest singing voice; another boy won a prize for Judo. One, David Lavi, is a successful singer, composer and musician, and was runner up in "Kochav Nolad" - the Israeli version of "A Star Is Born."

The oldest granddaughter, now a mother herself, is a talented artist and a qualified social worker.   Some years ago, while still at school, she spent three weeks with me one summer when she attended a day camp in Jerusalem, and we became very close. We had picnics and fed the ducks in the Botanical Gardens, and had an affectionate "rapport" the entire time. She is named for my mother, so I feel a special bond.

There is also a special bond with 20-year-old Shir, maybe because it's like watching her mother grow up all over again. She is a beautiful, intelligent young lady, who also always makes me laugh and about whom I have a never ending reservoir of stories -- my favorite being when she asked me how old I was when she was about five, and -- when I told her -- replied in utter amazement, "Did you start from one?"

Being a grandparent is a special role. We try to pass on family traditions, as well as our values and beliefs. We sing them the songs we sang to their parents, and repeat the same jokes and nursery rhymes starting with "This little piggy went to market..." almost as soon as they are born.

But there is a line we must not cross.

We have to remember that they are not our children, and their futures, discipline and the road they will travel is for their parents to decide. We had our turn at parenting, so we must allow our children the same prerogative even if we don't always agree with their choices.

Permit me one last story about my grandson Daniel, who lived on the mountain-top settlement of Allon before he was married. From the time he was a toddler, he has been fascinated with all aspects of nature, particularly animals.  He truly loves them, knows all about their habits and tenderly nurtures his whole, extensive menagerie.  If he feels any of the animals are unhappy in their captivity, he lets them go free. Toys have never interested him – even as a toddler he preferred his collections of shells and stones.

When I used to go abroad, he asked me to bring him back an unusual stone -- a small piece of raw opal, or a hunk of amethyst.  And when I visited him, from the age of four he always had something for me -- a pine cone, a shell or a beautifully rounded pebble.

It is a Jewish custom to place a stone on the grave, not a flower. Although I hope to be around for many more years, I know that when I go to my final resting-place, Daniel's stone -- his last gift to me -- will be a very special one.

None of us knows if we will reach the age to become great-grandparents, amd now that I have, I feel truly blessed. How wonderful it has been to see our grandchildren successfully pass the rites of passage as their parents did, to dance at some of their weddings and to see them produce their own progeny.

When our time is over, we can be comforted that probably one of them loves us enough to name a child for us, so that we continue to be remembered for a few more generations.  Whether you're called Savta, Nanna, Bubbie or Grandma, it is the sweetest name in the world when it issues from the lips of a beloved grandchild.

_________________

Dvora Waysman is the author of 13 books, one of which, The Pomegranate Pendant, is now a movie, titled "The Golden Pomegranate".  She can be contacted at ways@netvision.net.il

____________

Everyone is seated around the table wearing party hats, eating cookies and ice-cream. There is a lot of laughter and noise. Wrapping paper from birthday gifts is all over the floor. The birthday cake is brought in with five candles and Bobbie blows them out while everyone sings: "Happy birthday." As his mother cuts the cake, Bobbie is jumping up and down on his chair, calling out: "Me first! Me first!

My grandmother used to have a stool in her kitchen, a little rickety, three-stepped thing meant to help her reach the shelves. For me, though, it was a throne. "Keep me company", she would say, "Sit right here." And there I sat, regaling my grandma with three-year-old wisdom. She'd laugh as she baked and cooked; I was her entertainment. And her pre-dish-washing batter licker. She added her own stories, too, of life in Europe before the war, of her brothers and sisters, her friends and aunts and neighbors, who all perished and vaporized. She'd talk about it like it was no big deal that her world vanished when she was 18.

In the simplest ways, my grandmother mended my soul. She was the smartest person I knew. She read at least one book a day. I sat and read with her. She loved mysteries. So did I. She could answer all of the questions on Jeopardy. I thought that an old woman could know everything. She looked like an old lady. Old ladies knew how to dress then. They had special black, old lady, lace-up shoes, not the running shoes grandmas favor today. Sometimes she let me tie her shoes. In this way, I helped her. She had beautiful handwriting. Thirty years after her death I can remember her shopping list, composed in her ornate curves: beets, mixed vegetables, cottage cheese.

Dear WholeFamily Expert, I've raised my granddaughter from birth. Her mother was always too busy with her own life. When Savannah was 8 months old her mother moved out. She said she had no way of taking care of her. Right now the baby is almost three years old. Her mother came to take her to the park on Mother's Day and then called to say that she wasn't bringing her back. I know that I have no choice in this as she didn't legally abandon her and, legally, she isn't an unfit mother. I can see the baby any time I want and let her stay the night or weekend.

Dear WholeFamily Counselor, I am happy to say that I have three grandchildren; a granddaughter who is twelve, a grandson who is ten and one who is three. But I feel the wonderful things people always told me about being a grandparent might be a little exaggerated. I do enjoy watching them grow up. I'm curious about who they will become as human beings. But I can't claim that I have created a special relationship with them. They don't seem to feel particularly connected to my husband and myself, even though my children push them to be nice to us. The oldest ones are into their own friends, and the baby clings to his parents. I am disappointed, and even a little hurt.

Dear WholeFamily, My husband and I are having a problem. We have two small children, ages 18-months and six-months. His parents want to come over on Christmas Eve and spend the night. They live about 45 minutes away and travel often so that is not the problem. They say they want to be here to see the kids wake up on Christmas morning. I would like it to be just the four of us on Christmas morning. I want it to be a special family time for just us; a tradition that we share and that is private for us. I also feel like they had their own children and had that time to do the same.

Q Dear WholeFamily Counsellor, My son married a girl who is not his type. She has a very crude side, swears sometimes, and does not have his level of education. I have gotten used to the idea that they are married and there is nothing I can do other than to be nice to her when she is inside my home. The problem is that she is pregnant now and I am afraid of how she will bring up my grandchildren. She is not basically a bad person, but is very sensitive whenever I offer suggestions.

How do you balance baby-sitting for grandchildren and making time for yourself?