Parents and Family

Our 16-year-old son is at boarding school and comes home on weekends. When he does, he and his 10-year-old brother fight like cats and dogs. The dinner table, which used to be a nice place with easy give-and-take, has turned into one long argument. I know this is because the little one wants the attention he's used to and the big one wants to talk to us because he's not home most of the time. How can we satisfy both their needs and end this constant fighting?

Dear WholeMom, I have two daughters, aged 17 and 16. Lately they appear not to like each other. The 17-year-old doesn't like her sister's friends and lets it be known and not very nicely. The 16-year-old takes it very personally and fires back in a nasty tone. This is getting worse and now they don't seem to like anything about each other. The younger says she needs to move away for a time to get away from her sister because she "can't take it anymore." I think they should work things out but have run out of ideas. Neither has a nice word to say to the other and life here has gotten miserable for everyone. Moving out is not an option as there is no place to go.

QHow do you communicate with teenagers who keep seeing each other in a bad light? Two of my children, aged 17 and 19, attack each other verbally every day. There is lots of blame and negativity and it rips me apart. I try to teach them to give the benefit of doubt, but they consistently assume each other's intentions are bad. How can I effectively help my teenage siblings to get along with each other? Guest Expert, Jackie Goldman, M.S., answers: My feeling is that you cannot play the role of judge and jury.

As parents, my husband and I used to spend a great deal of our time hobbling around with at least one foot in our mouths. My reaction to teen problems is often of the knee-jerk variety, and my common sense goes out the window when confronted with teenage angst. My husband goes stonily silent, and gives all comers "the look." So, what is the solution, besides constant treatment for hoof-in-mouth disease? Write it! When my eldest child turned 13, and turned on the puberty fire full blast, I gave her a small, fat, lined notebook.

Sibling rivalry is a painful fact in all families that have more than one kid. Growing up with a younger brother or sister can often be a royal pain. Jenny is definitely within her rights to demand her necklace back from her sister. While it is impossible to avoid all fighting, agreeing on some ground rules regarding respecting property and space can go a long way to reducing the number and the intensity of fights.

I must confess. I, too, was once a teenager. So was my older sister. I owe a lot to her. I would sit on the stairs and watch her and my parents go at it. They would scream about her boyfriends, her grades and the late hours she would come home. But what really made them foam at the mouth was when they would invariably find a new pack of Marlboros hidden in some forbidden corner of her room. My father would accuse her of throwing her life away and she would snarl and snort and scream that living in their house was like having two prison guards for parents.

Nicole is 13. Her older sister Jenny is 15. They're getting ready for school. Nicole: What did you do to your hair? It looks weird. Jennie: Why don't you just shut up? Nicole: Did you cut it? You cut it yourself? Mom is going to kill you. Mom, Mom! Jennie: Just shut up. Leave her out of it.

My friend Elaine is 36 years old but she has not yet learned to sit. She can stand, occasionally, but generally, she's in motion. She is chasing her two-year-old, wiping chocolate off her four-year-old daughter's lovely face, or teaching her seven-year-old to ride a bike or her nine-year-old to jump rope. She is outside with them all afternoon, or inside, baking or doing projects. When the kids go to sleep, Elaine cleans or paints something. Thursday nights, she cooks two full meals (feasts, really) for her frequent weekend guests.

Teenagers sometimes feel as if they are caught in a No Man's Land between childhood and adulthood. Wanting to have arrived as adults but not yet having the requisite life experience to temper their views of the world and the way it should be. No longer children, but not quite mature enough to be considered adults. Wanting responsibility but perhaps not yet ready to embrace all its consequences. Desperate to test and challenge the borders of their world but not wanting to abandon the place they call home - a physical and emotional refuge to return to.

Q: My dad and I get into so many stupid little fights its not funny. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a punching bag for him to take out his anger on. My mom and I get along great but sometimes it gets a little ugly, but we work it out. With my dad, I can hold a grudge forever. My mom tells me that his parents were really strict and hard on him, but I don't think he should take it out on me.

My friend Jonathan can watch as much TV as he wants. But I get an hour a night. I can't even watch a movie. And meanwhile they stay up and watch a movie after I'm in my room. Is that fair? No -- it's not. Therapist's Comments on Obsessive Love Reading this monologue, my heart really goes out to Chelsea. Fourteen can be a tough age. We know that the teenage years are full of strong emotions, and Chelsea is not unusual in being totally consumed by these feelings of love for a guy she has never even talked to.

By Eve, age 15 Okay, so first there's the obvious stuff. Someone who can identify, be patient, and is good at disciplining in a nice way - firm and gentle. Like in A Family Apart, where the guy who adopts Frances Mary tells her to "keep your hands firm and your voice gentle." (He was teaching her how to work with horses.) Identify: There are times when a kid wants their parent to identify with them - to just laugh and admit they made the same dumb mistakes. Because when you tell parents something you felt bad about, they're invariably going to launch into this great speech about why it's not so bad, why you shouldn't feel that way, what you should have done instead -- and it's like sometimes you don't want that.

Brett and his Dad, Roger, have not been getting along. This is the latest in a recent series of arguments. Roger: Turn off that damn music! Knocks on the door. Roger: Don't you hear me? The music gets turned down. Roger goes downstairs. The music gets louder again. Roger goes upstairs again. Roger: Turn off that music. I'm going to break this door down. I swear. Turn off the music. He starts kicking the door.

Dean, age 17, is having trouble with his family. He feels that they are stifling his freedom, and he wishes they would leave him alone. Tanya (Mom): Dean, your grandmother asked you to pass the pasta salad. Dean looks down at his plate. Tanya: What are you, deaf? Pass the pasta salad. Dean passes the pasta salad. Grandmother: How was school today? Dean: Okay. Tanya: Did you have any interesting classes? Dean: Not really.

Pressure. It's a combination of events and factors, a sort of vicious cycle. All the adults are running around trying to create the lives they've always dreamed of. As we progress, we tend to become more materialistic, selfish and greedy, and we forget the joy of simple living. We all want something for nothing, so we look for better ways, faster ways, whatever, to go higher, earn more, buy more. We don't realize that meanwhile we're actually tiring ourselves out mentally and physically.

When my son was five, he looked me squarely in the eye and proclaimed me to be the meanest mommy in the whole wide world. Ever. I must admit, it was a bit of a shocker. I mean, I'm young. I remember being five. I try to be understanding, try to put myself in his shoes. But, dammit, he can not pretend to be Zorro and run down the street wielding a sharp metal pole he found in the clearing. Even if that makes me the Wicked Witch of the West. The next thought I had was terrifying.

Advice From Sara BODY IMAGE AND EATING DISORDERS How Do I Get Myself to Love My Body? Q: I'm 20 years old (in a month) and I've been in recovery from anorexia for about 9 months now. I eat pretty normally now, except for a few quirks I have. But that body image thing won't give. I know that I am not naturally stick thin, and it makes me crazy that I just look "average". I don't think I'm fat, but I don't think I'm thin, either. I feel funny when people look at me because I'm nervous they are going to notice that I gained weight and that I "couldn't keep it up".

A teenager is old enough to want to make her own decisions. A parent knows that a teenager is old enough to really screw up her life. We received a letter from a 15-year-old girl describing a familiar situation: Julie wants to buy a car with money given to her by her grandparents. Her parents have forbidden her, claiming that it's too dangerous. Using the old parental formula, "as long as you live under our roof," they are asserting their power, while Julie characteristically believes herself a responsible adult, and her parents overprotective.

Today was possibly the worst day of my life. Things were going pretty well in school, but my day was quickly ruined as soon as I got home. The second I stepped foot in the house, my mom asked me to drive Joey to baseball practice. Ever since I started driving, my parents constantly use me as a car service. Parents and Teens: The Age-Old Battle Explored I must confess. I, too, was once a teenager. So was my older sister. I owe a lot to her. I would sit on the stairs and watch her and my parents go at it.

Dr. Michael Tobin's prescriptions for a healthy parent-teen relationship prompted many reactions from our readers. Though some consider the article "a pretty good description of kids and parents today", other claim that "it just won't work" in their circumstance. Here is a sampling of the responses we received.

I'm 15, and I'm scared of my Dad. He used to hit me hard when I was in elementary school whenever he got angry, or sometimes he threw me against walls. He stopped doing that in 7th grade because he realized I was old enough to report the "violence". Even though he's not hitting me anymore, I'm still scared of him. Now, whenever he gets mad at me, he just makes hitting gestures, like lifting his fist or belt, and screaming and then cornering me. I know he won't really hit me, but it's already frightening enough to know that he always has a temptation to do it, and he's only holding himself back. God forbid if one day he can't hold himself back I don't know what's gonna happen to me. He told me that in those exact words, "If I ever fail to hold back my temptation, I swear you will end up in the hospital!" I've tried talking to him heart-to-heart, but he always ends-up saying that he can't help it, its just the way he naturally is. He knows how I feel already, but it's like a habit for him, or something. How can I adjust? - Scared of My Dad

I am 15, and my parents are not the greatest couple; they pretty much hate each other. My mom wanted to divorce my dad but she is too nice and didn't want to throw him out 'cause he wouldn't have anywhere else to go. My mom is really hard-working and brings almost all the money in this house. My dad is an architect (so is my mom) but he is the most stubborn person I know. He is not open-minded, and all he cares about is himself. He and my mom had bad fights, and I have always cut into the fights and then it has gotten physical between my dad and me. I know that my mom is lonely and she has told me herself that my brother and I are her only friends (my brother has moved to another city, he goes to a university there). I am very close to my mom and we do lots of things together, but I still want to do things with my friends. On the other hand though, I don't want to leave my mom alone at home, 'cause she and my dad might get into a fight. Just the idea of her being miserable and alone at home, while I'm having fun with my friends is really uncomfortable. I don't know what to do, every time I'm with my friends I think of my mom and if she is all right, and now I hardly do stuff with my friends and I don't know what to do. It is really confusing, because my mom is only happy when I am with her and I can't let her go because of myself!

I have a very controlling mother, and she is driving me up the wall. I have entered a counseling group, but that's only added to my stress, because the people in the group have become like family to me; and now I have to worry about them. Their parents abuse them, and all of them have tried suicide at lease once, and three of them are now in a nut house. Also most of them are on drugs; every day I have to worry if one of my friends has killed themselves. What should I do? Thanks, The Worrier