Guilt and Grief

Dear WholeDad, Hi! I'm a 13-year-old girl and the youngest of 5. My father passed away six years ago. It didn't seem to bother me then but now it does. I really miss him more now than ever. Is this normal??? Katie Dear Katie, I would think that what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. At the age of seven, the level of maturity of most kids is nowhere near that which it takes to comprehend and process the tragedy of a loss as great as losing a father.

My friend Elaine is 36 years old but she has not yet learned to sit. She can stand, occasionally, but generally, she's in motion. She is chasing her two-year-old, wiping chocolate off her four-year-old daughter's lovely face, or teaching her seven-year-old to ride a bike or her nine-year-old to jump rope. She is outside with them all afternoon, or inside, baking or doing projects. When the kids go to sleep, Elaine cleans or paints something. Thursday nights, she cooks two full meals (feasts, really) for her frequent weekend guests.

Losing a parent, at any age, is difficult and painful. It clearly marks the "end of innocence" for us as children. Our aloneness and vulnerability become painfully clear. Most of us face this emptiness as a natural consequence of our own aging process. Usually the tragedy and loss of one's parent is forestalled until such a time as we have created alternate sources for our unconditional love, which often help us to put the pain into some sort of 'acceptable' perspective.

Imagine the world without guilt. I'm sure there would be many people that wouldn't change, due to their impeccable characters and strong moral fibers. But I'd venture to say that a large majority of the planet, without a second thought, would do whatever felt good. Scenario: Chaos. In my opinion, guilt is among the only things that keeps our society in normal working order. If not for our guilty consciences, we would bring destruction upon ourselves. Call me conservative, but I really think it's true. I've felt "guilt pangs" in the past, but I'll never forget the one time that I felt truly guilty.

Celene, 15, just lost her father to cancer. She is having trouble coping with the sadness, and the guilt she feels for not having done more while he was alive... I went shopping for Reeboks, and my father was dying of cancer. What was I thinking? He gave me money and I went out and went to the mall and bought myself sneakers, and he was lying in bed. He could hardly get out of bed. I bought Urban Decay nail polish. And I met Charlie and I had Chinese food with him.